HAPPY St. VALENTINES DAY!

As a special treat for Valentines, I?ve written you all a short, elaborated tale of my grade nine Valentines Day?

Imagine that you?re in the second oldest school in all of Ontario, possibly even Canada, and it?s about to celebrate its 175^th anniversary. Now, Little Miss Me has love in the air because her hair is ?ber curly and so ready to perform a 1960?s themed A Midsummer Night?s Dream scene study in her drama class. Free love and stage action was all I cared about. So I?m walking with my good friend Emily, and all of a sudden, some rando from Ms. Craig?s French class comes up to me and says:

?Hey, Askastudent[*], Sam[?] is looking for you!?

Well. Little did you readers know, but I, Askastudent, had a crush on Sam at the beginning of the school year, and then later realized that he was no smarter than a Milk Dud. This revelation came to me when he had our English teacher read aloud a paper about his cat to the entire class because he liked it so much. Now it was February and you can imagine what level of respect I had for this boy. But, I always did, and still do, like a good chase sequence.

11:20am rolls around and lunch time begins. Cute Valentines with Muppets, Spiderman, and Barn Yard Animals are exchanged between friends; candy that was received from parents in the morning consumed, and giggles of MASH results echoed through the hallways. It was Valentines and I thought nothing could go wrong. That was, until my day turned into a Tim Burton Claymation film.Sam found me on the way to class, and cornered me on the stairway.

?Hi-ya, Askastudent!? he said in an awkward voice that would have been cute if he wasn?t already, in my mind, an ignorant, wanna be Peterborough Pete.

?Hi, Sam.??Askastudent, can I ask you a question??

??Sure??

?Would you go on a date with me?? came out faster than he anticipated because of the strange look of surprise that graced his face afterwards.

?Well?I?uh?you know?? then, lost in the spell of the day and feeling so badly for this boy who looked like a sad puppy I said ??sure?? (With? a? lot of nice, Canadian infliction)

?COOL!?

And that was how it happened. But, it got progressively worse. I get to English class ? the same one that he had his Cat essay read out loud in ? and put this MASSIVE bag of Valentines candy on my desk. It must have cost $20. And if any of you can remember grade nine, twenty dollars is a lot of money.

?Thanks?Sam?that?s so?nice?!? It was so hard to avoid his eager, beady, unintelligible eyes.

?I bought it just for you!?And, if that phrase wasn?t like the aftermath of swallowing razor blades, the really nice but sadly chubby girl sitting beside me gave me a big, fat hug and said

?Oh, Askastudent! I?m so happy for you!?

The rest of the day was as long and nauseating as the family car rides from Timmins to

Lake Kennisis. And believe you me, those were long and unbearable.

Finally the end of fourth period came and my friends Emily and Abbey were laughing in the girls phys-Ed change room.

?Askastudent, what are you going to do with all that candy??!!? Emily asked.

?Not eat it.? It made me sick to think that he put this much effort into me when I didn?t even really enjoy his company. I imagined the possible lame phone calls, the maybe awkward dates, and how stupid the rest of his family might end up being. I had to give the candy back.

As expected, he was waiting for me after class.

?So, do you want to see a movie on Friday??

And, like any stereotypical, beginning of the teen movie break up, I gave it to him like this:

?Sam, listen, it?s not you, it?s me? I just? I don?t want? I can?t accept this candy.?

?No?, he said, now fighting back wimpy tears, ?You keep it.?

And he walked away.

The next day I heard that he rode home on the bus like his whole world had ended. Really, I didn?t feel too guilty because we were only ?an item? for two periods of class. Though, I guess to him, it was an eternity. Life seems to move so slowly when you?re a teenager. I think I got the award for shortest-lived relationship in my graduating year ? of course not in my yearbook, but my good friend Elliott was never too slow to bring it up when the words ?that was short? came up in regards to a relationship. If my story were to have a moral, I would say don?t ask anyone out on Valentines Day unless it is spontaneous and real. Planning these things only leads to disappointment. And if your brain power is as limited as poor Sam, then it may be the most devastating day of your life. GO GET LAID!

hugs and kisses, Askastudent.

[*] My name really isn?t Askastudent, but to remain anonymous, it is in this story 😉

[?] His name wasn?t really Sam. I?m trying to save him some embarrassment?