aska: to whomever wrote this submission, i believe you are an idiot. i am only putting this up because of my strong journalistic integrity, and because you clearly took some time out of your sad and pathetic life to write it. on with the show…

I love gum. Anyone who spends time around me knows this to be true. No matter where I am, whether in my home or office or car, I always have at least three or four packs around me. From Big Red to Chiclets, from Trident to Plen-T-Paks of Juicy Fruit, I’m never far from a fresh stick of delicious chewing gum. Yes, I love gum and always have plen-T of it on hand.But, as rich as I am in gum, I’m equally rich in friends and acquaintances who are aware of my gum supply and don’t hesitate to ask for a piece if the need arises. This is usually not a problem: I am a generous man by nature and feel gum should be shared freely among those in need. However, there are times when the line between generosity and exploitation is crossed, and steps must be taken to drive the line-crossers back. I must hold fast to my gum. I admit, I’m partially at fault. I’ve established myself as someone who is extremely charitable with his gum, always holding it aloft and asking if anyone is in need of a piece. Always asking those around me if they too would like a chewy strip seemingly forged in heaven itself. In the face of such temptation, it is only natural for one to be seduced by its minty or fruity allure. I am puzzled what should i do?