{I’m gonna die, I can’t do anyting, I’m not good at anthing, I’ll never accomplish anyting, I’ll never amount to anytying, I simply suck.
Yesterday was the HH Debating Club Novice Training Day and I was one of the app. 40 novices. I really really really really really really really REALLY!!!! want to be in this club. But I suck and I’ll never learn to debate. N-e-v-e-r, e-v-e-r.
I feel so humiliated and intimidated.
Do you know how the training goes? First they match you with someone to be your partner, unless you already have one. And how can I have a partner if I don’t know ANYBODY at this university??? Then there is seminars where you learn one side of the coin, in my case how to be the opposition, and then there is a debate. Then seminars which teach you the other side, in my case how to be the government, another round of debates and finally finals.
I suck I suck I suck I suck… 🙁
My first speech was to be a 10 minute one – first time debating EVER. I only witnessed a debate once before and still hardly knew what was going on and what I was supposed to do.
But I got up to give my speech, my papers in hand. and my first thought was “I must put these papers down or they’ll see how much I’m trembling.” They saw anyways, I couldn’t even hold the paper.
I samehow made it thought those 10 minutes, but didn’t even know what I was talking about. I was extremely nervous, and everybody could hear it. I discovered that I can’t give speeches – I don’t have the tone, the gestures, the power. I found my English insufficient (it’s my 2nd language and I reall do know it well…). A number of times I came to a halt in the middle of a sentence because I couldn’t recall the word I needed. Nothing complicated, “to develop” for example… And I shake like a leaf in the wind. Talk to the wall not to my audience and judges.
My team lost, of course, althoug they didn’t tell us.
The judge told me I lack confidence and structure. If you don’t know, these are essential in debatig…
The judge was there to listen to us and give comments, but at the same time it was a turnament and we were given points.
Later, during the second seminar, the role of the government was explained, with reference to special cases. The guy goes: “If the LO is really bad, so bad he or she simply sucks and can’t give a speech at all…”. At this moment my partner gave me THAT look, I thought I’d die.
We went on to the second round of debates. This time I had two speeches, 10 and 3 minutes and these weret the first and the last in the debate, respectively. It went better, althoug I forgot how to speak English again, but I just wanted to hide under the table – immagine 4 guys (or girls, depending on who you are) staring at you and thinking how bad you are.
This round felt better, and was better. Still, we lost again.
At the end all novices were summoned, and the final debate took place – two best teams. At that point I was about to break in tears, they were so good. And I? Garbage.
Then the certificates were given to 10 best speakers and 5 best teams. Of course I wasn’t among them, but suddenly it turned out that the only people who still were there all got diplomas. I was the only one who did not.
I don’t know what to do.
I won’t dare to debate again.
I really want to, but I can’t. I’ll burn, crash, start crying, hide under the table, I don’t know.
The fact that I did so bad wouldn’t be so bad, but those diplomas… It was like “these people are good, so they can stay, we welcome them to the club, and the rest go away, you suck”. A novice tunament is in 2 weeks. I can’t go for family reasons, but still, even if I could, I don’t think I’d go. What for? To humiliate myself even more?
Most of the top people have previous experience with debating, and I have none. I’ll never be anybody there.
And if you want to know more, I really really like one of the senior guys. He won’t look at me. We talked once, but now he doesn’t notice me. Thank god he didn’t judge me and he don’t knows how much I suck. But maybe the others told him. And he surely saw the score sheet – where my name was at the very bottom, I’m sure.
I’m going to go and kill myself.