Hi. I?m a first year student at utm and i?m stuck. I?m in the commerce program and i?m doing terribly! not because i can?t do better but because I don?t feel the need to.

So basically what is happening is that i?m an international student paying international fees which is enough to have me frustrated every single day on my life until i graduate but not like that?s not bad enough, I don?t even want to study bloody commerce. I?m doing it for my parents. They?re both accountants and commerce seems like the least painful way to give them what they want (y?know instead of like medicine or something else they deem important). I don?t see the point at working hard at something that is going to make me miserable in the end. I want my life to have purpose but commerce is definitely not it.

Im into reading and writing and lots of other things that I actually do have a passion for. I have tried to talk to my parents about it but they shut me down everytime telling me that i?m not going to make any money there and won?t be able to support myself or they don?t have any connections with people in that field so i?ll be struggling to find a proper job or just one thing or the other. The hard part is that i get where they?re coming from and I know they?re thinking of what?s best for me but i?m so depressed now that sometimes I go to class and I can?t stop the tears from falling and I just abandon the class all together and go to my room and mindlessly watch movies or just do something, anything stupid to just focus on anything other than how completely sad i feel everyday. Sometimes I find myself getting easily incensed or crying over the simplest of things. I?m paranoid about everything all the time. I basically lock myself in my room all day, most times doing nothing.

I honestly don?t know how long I can do this. I break down frequently and tirelessly. I?m just tired. Really very tired. I feel like I?m fighting a losing battle because even if i do end up doing well which I know I can do with more effort and focus, is there really a point if I?m going to spend the rest of my life doing something I absolutely don?t give a damn about. This isn?t me. Im so confused and frustrated. I don?t even know what to do or how to even begin talking to my parents about this. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmingly sad. Im stuck and I honestly just fell like there?s nothing I can do about it. I can hardly study either because I feel so burnt out all the time. I mean I can but sometimes it?s hard to bring myself to do it. Im sure I sound like a lazy idiot right now and i?m sorry for how long this is and that i?m potentially wasting your time but if there is something, anything in the form of advice that you can give me it would be greatly appreciated.

???????????????

hey there,

first of all, you’re not wasting my time. i’d like you to know upfront that this is important and valid, and also that you are important and valid. don’t apologize for your struggles, because they’re a part of your life and your life is important.

i’m going to go ahead and say that your first semester in university is typically your worst one. it’s the first time you’re having to do exams, manage your own schedule, etc. and so it’s going to seem overwhelming and insurmountable. and if you’re in a difficult program you don’t like, it can seem like a rug has been pulled out from under you and you’re hitting the floor over and over and over again.

but it’s important to realize something, something that i didn’t realize in my first year: it’s better to have this happen to you?now. first year is?the time to make mistakes, change directions, do something different from what you’ve always said you’ll do. you still have lots of time to take your degree in a different direction.

obviously, you’re ready to make that change, but your parents are not.?so how do you get them on board? well, the first thing you’ll have to think about is: you may not be able to. sometimes, we have to go a different way from what our parents expected, and that’s okay. besides, you don’t?need their permission to study what you want to study.

of course, i understand that international fees cost a million trillion dollars and many people rely on their parents to pay for their schooling. however, sometimes obeying your parents simply isn’t the best thing for you, and when you’re an adult, obeying is sometimes more of a knee-jerk reaction than a thoughtful, healthy acquiescence.

it would be nice for everyone involved, though, if you could all agree and had support from your parents. and i find the best way to do that is to beat them at their own game.

their concerns are valid. they want to make sure that you’ll be able to support yourself after school. but?despite what they say, a business degree is not the only way to do that. prove to them that whatever else it is you want to do is viable. show them how you’ll earn a living doing whatever it is you want to do.

come up with a plan. if you feel it would be helpful, you can even write out the plan. bookmark websites that you can show them. give them evidence that you’ve done your research and you know what you’re talking about.

also, if you dislike your program so much that it’s making you tired, frustrated and “overwhelmingly sad,” then you are likely not going to do very well in the program. and if you don’t do very well, you’re not going to achieve that success and financial stability that your parents want you to achieve anyway. if you put it to them that way, it might be more compelling.

this is a difficult thing to deal with, and i recommend that you seek out the support of people on campus who can help you. make an appointment with your college registrar’s office; they’ll be a great sounding board to bounce ideas off of. also, i’d recommend maybe speaking with someone at health & wellness (formerly CAPS) or counseline to discuss how you’re feeling. you?must take care of yourself if you plan on being successful at school, regardless of the program.

and if you have any more questions, you can always let me know.

best,

aska